Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
