Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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