When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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