So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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