shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
