he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
