In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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