So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
