If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
