Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
