Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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