dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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