best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
