just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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