I wish my penis had an off switch
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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