How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
