i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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