After last night, I could never be a politician.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
