Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
