You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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