Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize