you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
