Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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