I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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