found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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