I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
