if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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