Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize