my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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