I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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