And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
