can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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