he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
