he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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