Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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