I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
