Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This toilet bowl is my home.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
