Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
