we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
