I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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