my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
