Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
