i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
