I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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