o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
