I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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