i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
