Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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