Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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