im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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