i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
