finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
