This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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