I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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