does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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