she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish you could order shots online.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
