i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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