I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
